Yeah, I wouldn't be nothing
If I didn't have you to serve
I'm just a punky little eyeball
And a funky optic nerve
Hey, I never told you this
Sometimes I get a little blue
But I wouldn't have nothing
if I didn't have you
If I Didn't Have You
Basic synopsis coming soon!
Mike is voiced by Billy Crystal.
Mike: Oh, that's great, blame it on the little guy. How original. He must've read the schedule wrong with his one eye.
Mike: Listen, I need a favor. Randall was working late last night out on the scare floor. I really need the key to the door he was using.
Roz: Well isn't that nice. But guess what? You didn't file your paperwork last night.
Mike: He didn't... I... no paperwork?
Roz: This office is now closed. (Roz closes the window on Mike's fingers)
Mike: Roz, my tender, oozing blossom you're looking fabulous today. Is that a new haircut?
Randall: Say hello to the Scream Extractor.
Mike: Uh... hello.
Mike: Psst, Fungus. Fungus, you like cars? Because I got a really nice car. You let me go, I'll give you... a ride... in the car.
Fungus: I'm sorry, Wazowski, but Randall said I'm not allowed to fraternize with victims of his evil plot.
Randall: Where is it, you little one-eyed cretin?
Mike: Okay, first of all, it's "cree-tin". If you're going to threaten me, do it properly. Second of all, you're nuts if you think kidnapping ME is going to help YOU cheat your way to the top.
Randall: (Chuckles evilly) You still think this is about that stupid scare record?
Mike: Well... I did. Right up until you... chuckled... like that... And now I'm thinking I should just get out of here.
Mike: Put that thing back where it came from, or so help me!...
Sulley: Mike, this isn't Boo's door.
Mike: Boo? What's Boo?
Sulley: That's... what I decided to call her. Is there a problem?
Mike: Sulley, you're not supposed to name it. Once you name it, you start getting attached to it. Now put that thing back where it came from or so help me... (Mike pauses, realizing that they suddenly have the attention of the entire scare floor) Oh, hey. We're rehearsing a - a scene for the upcoming company play called uh, Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me. It's a musical. (singing) Put that thing back where it came from or so help me... so help me, so help me and cut. We're still working on it, it's a work in progress but, hey, we need ushers.
Randall: Okay, I think I know how to make this all go away. What happens when the whistle blows in five minutes?
Mike: I get a time out?
Randall: Everyone goes to lunch! Which means the scare floor will be...
(Sulley's alarm clock clicks, and Mike impersonates the radio announcer)
Mike: Hey, good morning, Monstropolis. It's now five after the hour of 6:00 A.M. in the big monster city. Temperature's a balmy 65 degrees - which is good news for you reptiles - and it looks like it's gonna be a perfect day to maybe, hey, just lie in bed, sleep in, or simply... WORK OUT THAT FLAB THAT'S HANGING OVER THE BED. Get up, Sulley. (Mike honks a horn right in Sulley's face)
(Mike and Sulley watch a commercial featuring them, but Mike is covered over by the Monsters Inc. logo)
Mike: I can't believe it...
Sulley: Oh, Mike...
Mike: I was on TV. Ha. Did you see me? I'm a natural.
Sulley: See that, Mikey? Ted's walking to work.
Mike: Big deal. Guy takes five steps, and he's there.
Mike: Oh, Schmootsie-poo?
Celia: Googlie Bear!
(Mike complains to Sulley about Randall)
Mike: One of these days I am really... going to let you teach that guy a lesson.
Mike: Can I borrow your odorant?
Sulley: Yeah, I got, uh, smelly garbage or old dumpster.
Mike: You got, uh, low tide?
Mike: How about wet dog?
Sulley: Yep. Stink it up.
Roz: Hello, Wazowski. Fun-filled evening planned for tonight?
Mike: Well, as a matter of fact...
Roz: Then I'm sure you filed your paperwork correctly, for once. (Mike smiles innocently) Your stunned silence is very reassuring.
Celia: Oh, Michael, I've had a lot of birthdays - well, not a lot of birthdays but this is the best birthday ever. (Mike stares lovingly at her) What are you looking at?
Mike: I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye on you, how pretty you looked.
Celia: (shyly) Stop it.
Mike: Your hair was shorter then.
Celia: Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about getting it cut. (the snakes in Celia's hair squeal with fear)
Mike: No-no, I like it this length. (the snakes sigh in relief) I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?
Celia: What did you say?
Mike: I said... (Just then, Sulley's face appears in the window behind Celia) Sulley?
Sulley: Hey, Mike, this might sound crazy but I don't think that kid's dangerous.
Mike: Really? Well, in that case, let's keep it. I always wanted a pet that could kill me.
(Boo, in disguise, walks up to Mr. Waternoose)
Henry J. Waternoose: Well hello, little one. Where did you come from?
Sulley: Mr. Waternoose.
Henry J. Waternoose: Ah, James. Is this one yours?
Sulley: Ah, actually that's my uh, cousin's sister's daughter, sir.
Mike: Yeah, it's uh, "Bring an Obscure Relative to Work Day".
Henry J. Waternoose: Hmm, must have missed the memo.
Sulley: Mike, that's not her door.
Mike: What are you talking about? Of course it's her door. It's her door.
Sulley: No. Her door was white and it had flowers on it.
Mike: No. It must've dark last night because this is its door. (Mike opens the door. A bright light and polka music emanate from the room) Mike: (to Boo) You hear that? Sounds like fun in there. Well, see ya kid. Send me a postcard. That's Mike Wazowski, care of 22 Mike Wazowsi-You-Got-Your-Life-Back-Lane.
Boo: Mowki Kowski.
Mike: Very good. Now bon voyage. See ya. (Mike waves a stick in front of Boo as if she were a dog) Look at the stick. See the stick? (Mike throws the stick through the door) Go get the stick. Go fetch.
Mike: Sulley, what are we doing?
Sulley: We have to get Boo's door and find a station.
Mike: What a plan. Simple, yet insane.
Mike: I think I have a plan here: using mainly spoons, we dig a tunnel under the city and release it into the wild.
Mike: That's it, I'm out of ideas. We're closed. Hot air balloon? Too expensive. Giant slingshot? Too conspicuous. Enormous wooden horse? Too Greek.
(after catching Waternoose revealing his conspiracy)
Mike: I don't know about you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes.
Mike: Follow the sultry sound of my voice
(Mike and Sully have transported to Hawaii)
Mike: Why couldn't we have been banished here?
Yeti: Snow cone?
Yeti: No, no, no, don't worry. It's lemon.
Sulley: What was that?
Mike Wazowski: I have no idea. But it would be a really good idea if it didn't do it again.
Celia: Michael, if you don't tell me what's going on right now, we are through! You hear me? Through!
Mike: Okay, here's the truth. You know that kid they're looking for? Sulley let her in. We tried to get her back, but Waternoose had a secret plot, and now Randall's right behind us, and he's tring to kill us.
Celia: You expect me to believe that pack of lies, Mike Wazowski?
Boo: (peeking from Sulley's shoulder) Mike Wazowski! (Celia screams and lets go)
Mike: You're the boss! You're the boss! You're the big, hairy boss!
Mike: Hey, genius. Wanna know why I bought the car?
Sulley: Not really.
Mike: To drive it! You know, like on the street? With the honk-honk and the vroom-vroom, and the no walking at all?
Sulley: Wah, wah, wah. Will you give it a rest, butterball? C'mon, you could use the exercise.
Mike: I could use the exercise? Look at you. You have your own climate.
Mike: (as the Scream Extractor approaches) What is that thing? What is that thing? Hey, hey, hey, that thing is moving. I don't like big, moving things that are moving towards me.
(Sully goes looking for Boo; Mike tries to talk him out of it)
Mike: Soemone else will find the kid. I'll be their problem, not ours. She's out of our hair!
(they bump into Randall)
Randall: What are you two doing?
Monster: They're rehearsing a play.
Mike: (singing)] She's out of our hair...!
(Sulley thinks Boo has been crushed into a cube of garbage)
Sulley: (tearfully) I can still hear her little voice.
Boo: (from down the hall) Mike Wazowski!
Mike: Hey, I can hear her too.
Kids: Mike Wazowski!
Mike: How many kids you got in there?
Randall: Well what do you know? It scares little kids and little monsters.
Mike: I wasn't scared, I have allergies